Kim Yuna isn't cold anymore.

I haven't blogged in a while. Thanks for pointing that out.
So why don't you all stop your crying, because here it comes.
Besides, there's no crying in blogging.
And I' pretty sure we can thank Forest Gump for that.

So about a million years ago (a million roughly equaling 3 weeks) I had an extended weekend vacation in the beautiful Jeju Island. Now I’m sure I’ve mentioned countless times that Jeju is Korea’s largest, self-governing island, but I’ll mention it again for good measure: Jeju is Korea’s largest, self-governing island. Like Hong Kong, minus the whole “Chinese thing”, and the whole “get your passport stamped when you visit there” thing. But I’ve never been to Hong Kong ... so it’s neither here nor there.
Anyways, I ventured down to Jeju to take part in the bi-annual Fulbright ETA conference, which was held at the very beautiful KAL hotel in Sogweipo.
But first, I was lucky enough to get down there a little early, because my school decided to let all the first and second grade students go on a field trip of their choice: provided that they chose Manyan Mountain, or Korea’s own Jeju Island.
As the first graders headed to Jeju, I did as well ... with my co-teacher hoping I would catch up with them and take a 12 hour tour together on the day it decided to rain about 100 inches of water.
However, I managed to get out of the 12 hour tour, scared that it would result in me being shipwrecked with 250 Korean students and a guy named Gilligan (a student who I actually do call Gilligan, because he looks exactly like him). I instead hung out with some Jeju friends and visited the school of my friend Adam, who teaches at an all boys high school in Jeju City. After a couple hours of being uncomfortably googled (not a reference to the Internet phenomenon, turned verb) it was time for the conference.
At the conference, we did little conferencing, and were instead given quite a bit of free time to do whatever we wanted. And what I wanted was to nothing, apparently. Except lounge around the beautiful hotel, take a bubble bath, and eat about 3 pounds of cheese.
Conference - success.

The weather is getting really nice, because it’s spring. Warm, beautiful, and the cherry blossoms are blossoming (fully living up to their name, minus the whole cherry thing).
Weather is kind of boring, but everyone always asks me about it, so this should curb all the annoying weather small talk from now on.

A couple weeks ago (a week after the Jeju conference if you’re keeping a calendar) I went up to Seoul and had an absolutely fantastic weekend.
Any weekend that includes: shopping in Seoul stores that carry sizes other than “Asian” (i.e. H&M, where H = hand me, and M = your Money), eating delicious foods (as delicious defaults to “not Korean”) and seeing Jamie Cullum in concert, is difficult to beat when playing “my weekend was better than your weekend”.
As the highlight of the weekend was definitely seeing Jamie live (yeah, we’re on a first name basis, now) in that I’ve been in love with him, his music, and his piano since high school. I went with three other friends, who also share my love of sexy pop piano jazz, and we had an absolutely fantastic time. We all were in the “general standing room” area right in front of the stage, and were pretty close to all the tunez and jamz.
(You know it’s a good concert if there are both tunez and jamz.)
The music and atmosphere was really great, and was definitely one of the best concerts I’ve seen. So next time you’re in Seoul ... the same time Jamie Cullum is ... and he happens to be playing a show ... and you have some free time ... and some wons ... I would definitely encourage you to check him out.

Lately, many people in Hwasun have been thinking that the air is getting kind of crappy. I don’t know why they think this - it seems like regular air to me - but during the past couple of weeks, those who run the city of Hwasun (mainly the old ajumma women and the guy that owns the toilet store) decided to do something about the said “crappy air”. They have been attempting to “clean the air” ... not by reducing their driving (because all they do is walk and pull their loads of cardboard around anyways), or discontinuing their practice of spray-painting everything ... but rather by releasing into the air some type of smelly chemical that is supposed to “knock out all the gross stuff in the crappy air”. Because everyone knows the best way in which to clean something is to dirty it even more. It’s just logical.
So as I’m walking in to school last week, I am preceded by a gigantic truck with a gigantic barrel of smelly chemicals that are being released into the air. I literally thought I was following a garbage truck that decided to liquefy its contents and put them up my nose.
I have no idea how this works, other than it doesn’t.
But when in Korea ... (you can’t do anything about it, so deal with it).

Another unpleasant smell that has recently been making its way up my nostrils is paint fumes. No, I’m not huffing. This isn’t 1995. (Not that I did that in 1995, but I feel as if that phenomenon was so 15 years ago.)
Hwasun High School is still under construction, and probably will be until at least 2050 ... and this means that there is many an ajumma painting many a wall.
Seriously.
They are employing old ladies to paint our school.
So the school constantly smells like the inside of a paint can.
I’m pretty sure I was high the last couple weeks of class.
And that, in addition to the paint fumes, was pretty unpleasant.

While I’ve been in Korea ... a solid 9.5 months ... I’ve managed to go through a total of 5 USB drives.
They hate me.
They either break, run away from me, or decide not to be USBs after I purchase them at the store.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve spent at least 25% of my Korean income on USBs.

Recently, there has been some pretty intense drama at Hwasun High School. Drama in the form of two different love triangles, in two of my classes. When I noticed that one of my boy students had a black eye, I questioned him, asking what door he ran into ... but he informed me that his “friend” punched him in the face because he was super jealous that he’s “dating” the most awesome girl in class. Apparently dude-bro didn’t like that he was all holding-hands with his girl, so he punched him in the eye.
However, the two guys involved in this steamy triangle are now best friends, and a day later are all up in each others grill with some pretty intense bromance ... totally forgetting about said awesome girl. Although she doesn’t really seem to be into either of them, claiming, “No boy, teacher! I don’t know!”
In another class, there is a similar occurrence ... two guys fighting over the class hottie, as she sits dumbfounded, claiming to like neither of them.
My students are pretty hard-core ... straight out of “The Bold, the Beautiful, and the Korean”.

Last week, my co-teacher, Mrs. Yun decided that Lauren doesn’t have enough stuff to do. She gave all her classes ... all 17 of them (with about 30 students each) ... an English writing assignment: write about your dream job, your future vision. And then, after you’ve written it, you must come find Lauren wherever she is (literally wherever - I’ve been approached in the: restroom, lunch line, while teaching class, while leaving school) and make her proofread it. Because she has time to read every Korean students’ visions. (or “pisions” as they so lovingly pronounce it).
So for the past couple weeks I have been proof-reading and editing every single students’ “pision”.
I’ve read my fair share of “pisions” ... as most of my students want to be either: doctors, nurses, teachers, world rulers, philanthropists, or flight attendants.
(Side-note: Being a flight attendant here in Korea is super intense, and has its own major in college. Handing out nuts is an art in Asia.)
And as I have mostly enjoyed learning more about my students and their “pisions” it’s become increasingly more annoying and tedious.
However, I am occasionally treated to gems such as one students‘ determination to “help poop people”. I’m going to assume he intends to help “poor people”, but pooping is difficult to sometimes.

Last Sunday at Church I had the honor to meet Reverend Kim ... a super old (70+) Korean-American / Korean-Korean guy, who recently moved to Korea after living in the states for 40+ years.
He’s literally lived in the US at least twice as long as I have.
Although he’s Korean born, he definitely knows more about American life than I do ... so my fancy cultural-ambassador hat (which I often imagine to be like a tiara) was definitely
downgraded to something like one of those paper hats you make in second grade.
Anyways, I met Reverend Kim, who is a super nice guy, very well educated, and worldly - worked a variety of business and church-y jobs, and has 3 grown kids who are all either doctors or lawyers. He’s the epitome of the Korean dream. (Sorry G-Dragon).
So on this precious little Sunday, I went to church ... with the idea that I would do what I always do, “volunteer” by saying some English stuff into a microphone to 8 year olds for about 30 minutes ... but Reverend Kim had some different ideas.
After listening and taking part in an English worship service - which was awesome - sarcasm ... I was then questioned by Reverend Kim as to exactly where I will be going to seminary school upon my return to the states. My church-lady friend, Hannah, had informed Reverend Kim that I graduated with a degree in Religious Studies. And as everyone knows Religious Studies = direct path to Jesus, Reverend Kim was delighted to hang out we me, future reverend.
So we hung.
And by hung, I mean that we dined at a delicious vegetarian restaurant in Gwangju, and talked about how desperately I need to confess my faith in Jesus, because it would be super awesome to have a “pretty foreign” girl love Jesus in their church.
Now at this point I have had enough of this (both the religious talk and the food - I ate like there was no tomorrow), and am starting to get super annoyed with their pushiness.
Reverend Kim then explained to me that “as you know, most Americans are rude and mean”.
Yeah, we’re total douches. Thanks for reminding me.
But when Americans have Jesus, their hostility subsides ... which is totally true.
Just ask Fred Phelps.
Then my church friends made me eat orange peels (which were healthy and good for stamina ... because I’m lacking “stamina”), and we got into a car accident.
Yeah, that happened.
It was just a little fender-bender, but I think that still falls under the umbrella of “car accident”.
I was sitting in the back with Reverend Kim, and at the wheel is the self-proclaimed “best driver in Asia” - seriously, that’s how he introduced himself to me. We were stopped at a red light, discussing Jesus and America (like lamb and tuna-fish) and we were rear-ended by a driver who just so happened to be Asian, and a woman.
No one was hurt, not even the car, so no worries ... but the other driver was pretty flustered.
So flustered and worried that she did damage to our car, that she reversed (on the highway) to check the damage. However, in reversing, she decided it probably wasn’t necessary to check if anyone was behind her, and just so happened to front-end (that’s a word) the car behind her. This, her second accident in under 30 seconds, caused much more damage to the other car. But since we weren’t hurt or disfigured and had a church meeting to get to, we drove off.
Now, during my first week in Korea, after witnessing all that is Korean driving, I figured I would get in at least one traffic accident during my year here.
I can check that off my to-do list.

In school, there is no toilet paper in the restrooms.
This makes life difficult, when I need to use toilet paper in the restrooms.
Instead, every teacher is given an entire role of toilet paper at the beginning of each week. We are to take the paper into the bathroom with us, because everyone knows that the worst thing in the entire world is to stock the restrooms with toilet paper.
And while I’m at school an average of 7 hours a day, I can’t seem to use up an entire roll in one week, by myself. This has led to an over abundance of toilet paper rolls in my desk drawers.
Ironically: this time last year (while living in a DePauw duplex) I often found myself “borrowing” toilet paper from various academic buildings, libraries, eateries, etc. I guess I didn’t know about the paper abundance in Korea.
I’m thinking about mailing some back to campus. I mean, I did just “borrow” it.

In class once time this week I made the “invisible quote” gesture with my hands, as I was explaining something. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but apparently I thought it was pretty lame, so I threw up the invisible air quotes.
A couple of my students noticed this, and later came to me, asking what that particular gesture means.
So I asked them what they thought it meant, and their first go-to answer was:
“Means gay gay gay!”
So after attempting to explain that it does not, in fact, mean “gay” ... but rather “I think this is kind of lame, so I’m going to put it in air quotes” ... I don’t think they totally heard me.
And so was born the use of invisible air quotes to denote “gay” in Hwasun High School.

Last Wednesday was the bi-annual Hwasun High School teacher sports-uh day.
This is a big deal.
Every semester the teachers decide that they want to play some “sports-uh” ... so they organize an afternoon in which to do so. The sports-uh day lasts for about two hours, usually located behind the high school, in the giant soccer field. However, this year, since the high school is under some serious construction (still - since like 2002) sports-uh day was relocated to the much smaller, indoor gymnasium. (Even calling it a gymnasium is a stretch ... it’s about the size of the first floor girls’ bathroom.)
So we had sports-uh day in the girls’ bathroom.
Around 3:00 pm all the teachers headed to the gym - dressed head to toe in Korean workout gear (which is usually completely ridiculous) - leaving all the students alone in their classrooms for “self study”.
In Korea it’s no big thing for the teachers no to be present in the classrooms ... as the majority of night classes are just students studying alone, sans teacher. And the funny thing is that they actually study, not fart around.
(I can’t even do that. When I’m alone in the teacher’s lounge - usually every morning from 8 am to 9 am) - I make sure to be as unproductive as possible. On the other hand, my e-mail and Facebook-ing skills are now something to write home about.)
Anyways, teachers’ sports-uh day consisted of 2 hours of eating, taking (they talked, I smiled) and playing some insanely intense games of dodgeball and volleyball.
But before the games, all the teachers made sure to stuff their faces with live octopus, rice cakes, and beer.
Really. 10 minutes before the game, they were shoving squirming sea creatures down their throats.
So after ingesting (and not digesting) all the delicious Korean food, we played Korean dodgeball - which is pretty much all the men teachers throwing balls at all the lady teachers. The women, divided into two teams, were placed in the middle of the court, as all the men teachers lined up around it and threw their balls.
And it kind of hurt. They throw their balls hard.
After dodgeball, we played 5 games of volleyball ... or rather, I dominated 5 games of volleyball.
Being a fairly tall, American girl, who played volleyball like it was her job in high school, I had somewhat of an advantage.
But when you’re the only girl playing, and you are significantly taller then 90% of the men, and when you’re not Korean, this is cause for many a Korean to exclaim, “Rauren! You volleyball good! You bery (yeah, they pronounce it “bery”) tall! America!”
Yes. America.
So after my team (Team Paprika) totally dominated the other team (Team Corn) I won a box of kleenexes, a tube of toothpaste, and called it a day.

Went to a KIA Tigers baseball game last Saturday.
For all of you who aren’t too knowledged on the South Korean baseball scene, the KIA Tigers are the local Gwangju baseball team, who won the South Korean Series last year.
Last year, they were really good. This year, not so much.
But I went to the game anyways. They lost, but I didn’t cry. Remember, there’s no crying in blogging.
The game was a lot of fun ... the weather was nice and I went with some pretty legit friends. We had a great time cheering on the team, participating in an all-stadium wave that lasted a good 5 minutes, and sitting in seats that were in no way designed for people that are taller than 5-2.
As would be expected, baseball games are pretty insane over here ... the crowd is literally cheering nonstop, and the cheers are always positive, there was no slandering of the other team.
However, there was a disgruntled fan who threw a giant bag of trash over the fence. But I just like to think that he didn’t see a trashcan anywhere (because we’re in Korea and they don’t exist here) and thought maybe the left-fielder had a better chance of finding one.

A couple of students have gotten a hold of my phone number. I guess this is what happens when you tell them you don’t have one, and a week later they see you talking on it.
So after they took my phone and literally stole my number, I now receive quite a few texts from high school boys.
I feel weird.
And old.
And creepy.

I was recently treated to a private magic show, compliments of my physics teacher friend. She sits across from me in the teacher’s lounge and is super adorable, mostly because she knows little to no English and mimes everything.
One day I saw her playing with some string at her desk and did the standard “what are you doing” shoulder shrug. She then preformed a couple magic tricks for me - your standard rope and hoop illusions.
After she was finished and I acted as if it was the coolest thing ever (because it was, and I had no idea how she was doing it), she showed them to me for a second and third time, until I finally caught on. Asian magicians definitely do not follow the “Magicians Code”.
Then she gave me a box of kleenex for being such a good audience, and we ate lunch.

Lately I’ve been having regular lunch dates with a 3rd grade student, Chan Mihn (not to be confused with my other students Hong Mihn, Tae Mihn, Jun Mihn, Chan Tae, Chan Yuhn, or Chan Hyo). Chan Mihn is extremely interested in visiting America (because, really, who isn’t?) and is super into everything I tell him about it. His English isn’t stellar, but he tries really hard, which is extremely endearing. We talk for about 30 minutes every day - he brings in a sheet of paper with subjects to talk about (sound familiar, Mom?) and we discuss everything from LA’s Korea town to what type of dog is most delicious. He’s hoping to visit America for an extended period of time after he graduates high school, so most likely sometime next January.
While many of my students dream of visiting exotic America, few actually follow up on this dream. But Chan Mihn is pretty serious - he’s taken a part time job in order to pay for his expensive plane ticket, and constantly asks me if I know any jobs in America he can have. (I told him he doesn’t get one, until I do.)
He’s also looking to stay with some kind of host family situation ... so if any of you hospitable American friends of mine would like to hang out with a Korean kid for a few months, let me know.

The past couple weeks of class have been pretty superb. I’ve decided to wear my “cultural ambassador” tiara and teach all the little children about the right way to do things - the ‘merican way.
So class has taken the form of a type of quiz show game, as teams of students attempt to answer questions about American culture for prizes (aka small Tootsie Rolls that I brought back with me during Christmas time). I personally think Tootsie Rolls taste absolutely disgusting, however they are a huge hit in Asia ... oh why my students will do for a Tootsie Roll. Too bad Klondike already laid claim to that.
So I ask my students the standard questions:

“How old are most Americans when they learn to drive?” - most believing it is somewhere between 18 and 21

“If you bump into someone on the sidewalk, what should you do?” - a fair number answered “Punch him face!”

“What do Americans use under their armpits so they don’t smell?” - I rarely get deodorant, the correct answer ... and instead get jewels like:
“Lemons under armpits.” - also useful for a mid-day snack
“Cut the fur.” - they apparently think we are all wild animals
“Ferfume” - because it smells best when spelled with an “F”

“Why isn’t there any water on the floor of American bathrooms?”
(For my American readers, Korean bathrooms are like a giant tub - water is everywhere, as the drain is usually located in the middle of the floor.)
“Americans never shower.” - not true in all cases, just finals week
“There is no water in America.” - Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?
“Americans scared of water.” - my students have been watching too much Maury Povich

The following week I stole a lesson plan from my friend Adam, after witnessing it’s greatness during my visit to Jeju, and did a lesson on giving advice - letting my students give advice to people with some serious problems.
After explaining the concept of advice, and how Dear Abby was once a popular phenomenon, I let them go at it, and give their best advice to said people with said serious problems. (Serious problems beings ones I stole from Adam, or others I wrote myself.)
(Also: some names have been changed to protect those with the real problems.)
I told them to be creative, and the funnier their advice, the better.
Just opened a can of worms there.
The majority of their answers were pretty amazing ... and I think it’s safe to say that I have some future Abbys.
Here’s the best:

"Girls Generation (super famous all-girls Korean pop group) is lonely, they have no boyfriends. What should they do?”:

“You should ... come to me baby, we hot night together.” - from many of my hormonal boy students.
“You should ... be lesbians.” - Girls Generation is a group of 9 girls, so I guess that’s practical.
“You should ... deal with it.” - usually from girls, annoyed that they’re complaining.

"Brad Pitt's mustache tickles Angelina when they kiss. What should he do?"
“You should ... only use tongue when kiss.” - this was generally followed by a couple boys waving their tongue at me, demonstrating.
“You should ... kiss me. I no care about mustache.” - from both girls and boys.
“You should ... kiss Spiderman.” - I’m forced to think that this is in reference to the up-side-down kiss Toby and Kirsten shared, but really, who knows.

"Smessica drinks too much beer. What should she do?"
“You should ... change to vodka.”
“You should ... come to me baby, I love beer.” - Smessica has won the hearts of many of my boy students.
“You should ... be sexy bar girl.” - Done and done.
“You should ... your face.” - Not relevant in any way, but a “your face’ comment is always appreciated.

"Smustin's girlfriend isn't very smart. She also smells bad. What should he do?"
“You should ... buy her ferfume.” - again with the “ferfume”.
“You should ... put her in the trash. Her home.”
“You should ... make her smell like Lauren, because Lauren smells like Rosemary.” - I’m going to hope this was a compliment, and not implying that I smell like my great-aunt Rosemary.
“You should ... shower together.” - my students are really eco-friendly.

"Kim Jeong Il has a bad haircut and his friends make fun of him. What should he do?"
“You should ... nuclear missile them.” - got some future diplomats in class.
“You should ... it's not your haircut, it's your face = ugly.”
“You should ... get same haircut as bird boy.” - a popular student at Hwasun who does, have hair like a bird.
“You should ... watch sexy movie to grow hair.” - It was then that my students informed me that by watching sexy movies, your hormones increase, and your hair naturally grows faster. When I questioned a couple boys if that’s why their hair is so long, they admitted that yes, it was ... especially in middle school.

"Kim Yuna is cold. What should she do?"
“You should ... watch sexy movie with me.”
“You should ... take hot shower with white ruler.” - yeah.
“You should ... move to Afrika.” - Koreans hate “p”s.
“You should ... sell gold medal and buy jacket.” - or maybe a million jackets
“You should ... have people blow on you.” - They honestly meant people should blow their warm breath on her body, but you know it’s funny.

So that’s pretty much been my past couple weeks. Still in Korea ... still pretending to be a teacher.
And I apologize for writing so much in one blog post, because I know no one really likes to read more than 20 words at a time, but suck it up. You made it this far.

Until next time.

Also: came across this website while creeping on Facebook. It completely and totally hits the nail on the head.
If the “nail” is life in Korea, and the “head” is me.
Does that make sense?

http://roketship.tumblr.com/